Catch-22

I was struggling to come up with a new topic this week when I had a dream that someone randomly told me they had enjoyed my post about the social disparity between men and women in the dating world. In reality, I have been formulating this theory for a few years now and I guess that was the push I needed to put it into words. So, here goes.

My girlfriend and I rarely fight. Sure we have disagreements, but we are generally able to put our egos aside and compromise on most issues. Probably the most heated debate we have had does not involve politics or national security, but of course revolves around the controversial relationship between Taylor Swift and John Mayer. Now, I’m sure you can guess who sided with which celebrity and you may even be thinking, “How can you not side with sweet, innocent TayTay.” I will reluctantly admit that I am (or was) sort of a John Mayer fan, as much as a 26 year old man should be. Out of the catchy acoustic singer-song writer he emerged as one of the best guitar players of his generation. The brilliant “Continuum” is one of my favorite albums, but ever since his music as well as his character have taken a collective nosedive. I’m aware that he may very well be all of the scumbag the media portrays and this is in no way meant to be taken in defense of the man.


With that disclaimer out of the way, John Mayer may not be the poster boy for this argument, but nonetheless our debate lends a pathway to the thesis of this post. Namely, that there is a real catch-22 when it comes to the dating scene.


John Mayer has been linked to a slew of attractive female celebrities. He has also said some very disturbing things publicly which contributed to his far less than sterling reputation, but for the sake of this argument let’s say that all we know about his private life is that he has dated a lot of women. There are certainly men out there who are looking to use women for their own satisfaction, with little to no regard for the feelings they may hurt or the hearts they may break (the cast of a certain MTV show comes to mind). I would like to leave these men out of this discussion, I certainly agree that they have earned their unscrupulous reputations. I do, however, genuinely believe that the majority of men are looking for love and ultimately a life-long partner. These are the ones to which I am referring in this discussion.


Now let’s get down to brass tacks. A man who date several women in succession (not at once, that’s a whole other issue), will always be given a reputation as a womanizer. Even when his intentions are strictly above the belt, if a man tells a woman that she isn’t the one (you probably shouldn’t use those words, but let’s be honest we all know what “I’m just not ready for a relationship” means) she will call him a dog. To his face, maybe, but to those in her social circles, definitely. If a man does this with several women, then he is doomed to roam the earth labeled as someone who can’t be trusted.


I think it is commonly agreed upon that most of us will sample a few rotten apples before we find the best one. Men and women, gay and straight, will have good and bad relationships that will come to an end. Breakups are messy and hurtful things, not envied by anyone, but they are a virtual certainty. My question is, once again, why must the man who initiates a breakup because he has decided that the woman is not a good match be deemed a womanizer? Obviously he shouldn’t just carry on in the relationship when his heart isn’t in it, that wouldn’t be fair to her. The best thing he can do is to have an honest discussion about his feelings toward her, using carefully chosen language to cause as little pain as possible. It didn’t work out, move on. But it almost never ends there. He must then be dragged through the mud, his intentions distorted to appear dishonest, when in fact the exact opposite was true.


So, the well-intentioned man, having dated several women in his attempt to find love, suddenly has a reputation mirroring those reckless and decadent men mentioned above. And thus, women have come to not only think, but openly declare that all men are out to use women.
Just as I have acknowledged that not all men have devious intentions, I should probably also recognize that surely (at least hopefully) not all women have this view of the opposite sex. Additionally, I’m sure there are also women who have short sighted, self-pleasing intentions toward men (there are plenty of names dedicated to the description of such women). However, women haven’t been grouped into one destructive stereotype, as have men.


What about an honest women with the intention of finding love? Does she not sometimes initiate a breakup or tell someone she’s just not that into him and cause a man heartbreak? Of course, and when she does her reputation doesn’t suffer, she isn’t lumped in with the aforementioned group of women (with the not so nice names). She’s just looking for “the one,” just looking for love. Which is true. So why is the same not true for men? Catch-22.


I’m not trying to start a gender war or anything. Women are great, superior to men in so many ways. They mature faster, smell better, and are statistically better educated. All I’m saying is, take a look at John Mayer’s dating history compared to Taylor Swift’s. Not much different, both long and full of good looking celebrities. Yet, he’s a dog and she’s a victim. In this case it probably has something to do with her sweet and innocent demeanor and the fact the he once used the “n” word in an interview with Playboy (again not a sterling example). Maybe the disparity is penance for centuries of gender inequality. I can’t argue against either case, but the fact remains that men have a social disadvantage when it comes to courting a potential spouse. I’m here to raise awareness. Ladies, we’re not all bad. 

Oh and John Mayer, please make another “Continuum.”