“Oh man, it’s almost Friday.” “Beautiful day out there,
isn’t it?” Am I the only one who can’t stand small talk? I cringe every time I
hear someone say, “only a few hours ‘til the end of the day!” Yet I say crap
like that all the time. I fancy myself a bit of a writer, a creative mind (at
least a mind with occasional creativity). Even so, I somehow can’t come up with
anything better to say than a phrase that has probably already been uttered 500
times that day alone.
This is one of my most heavily petted peeves. Obviously, I’m
aware that small talk developed out of the polite obligation not to tell people
we don’t actually want to converse with to buzz off. I am also aware that I
slightly resemble an uppity complainer with this rant, but bear with me.
What if literature and movies bought into the practice of
small talk? Romeo would have scaled the balcony of his love Juliet and then
said something like, “Hey, how’s it going? Nice night, isn’t it?” Han Solo and
Luke Skywalker would have awkwardly chit chatted about the inconvenience of
space junk while they were cruising through hyperspace. I shudder at the
thought.
I wonder if there’s small talk in the West Wing. Does the
Secretary of Defense ask President Obama if he has anything exciting planned
for the weekend? What about the water cooler at the CIA? Do really smart and
intellectual folks spend their whole week chatting about how close they are to
the weekend? I hope there is some remote part of the country where people
reject this mind-numbing routine and actually carry on substantial
conversations.
I challenge myself and you to participate in zero small talk
today. None. If someone says, “any plans for the weekend,” respond with a
detailed itinerary. If someone says, “What’s going on?” Answer with exactly
what you have going on at that moment, “I’m on my way to take a leak and then
probably read fantasy football articles for an hour.” You know what Barney
Stinson would say to a challenge. Accept it.
Feel free to leave some classic small talk in the comments.
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